A lot of my life has been spent making mistakes and learning from them. It’s just my personality. You can tell me the stove is hot but until I touch it for myself, I won’t learn my lesson. I’ve embraced this part of myself over the years as it has imbued me with a stronger sense of compassion for others when they are struggling. I get it, I know the feeling, and I’m humble enough to admit that I mess up all the time for the dumbest reasons.
And while it is easy for me to chalk up lapses of judgement for life lessons, I still find it hard to let it go and forgive myself for the pain and frustration I inflicted upon myself. I keep finding myself stuck reliving the past and wishing I had done things differently. Maybe I could have spared myself some trouble or kept hold a good thing I hadn’t appreciated before.
I should have known better….
But it’s time for me to forgive myself.
For years, I told myself to “live and learn” from my mistakes but I still felt stuck and attached to them. What could I expect from the future? Circumstances come and go but I (the one making mistakes) was constant. It became a subtle way for me to continue enabling and fueling the self deprecating excuses as to why things could never get better. And it’s time to stop that.
I need to release the things I’ve said and done when I was angry or sad or dejected. For the moments I lashed out in anger or the days I spent wasted in bed crying. I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes but I did what I thought was best at the time to help me cope with my situations. The reason those moments were so painful was because we can’t prepare ourselves for pain as much as we would like to think. Coping with grief, betrayal, and pain can only be taught through experience. We are triumphant in these circumstances as long as we keep breathing and fighting our way through it.
I need not apologize for how I chose to subsist.
I’ve backed the wrong horse more than once even though it was obvious that the situation was doomed. I’ve loved people that I knew weren’t capable of loving me back and fought for things that couldn’t possibly be mine. I let myself get my hopes up and chased after fool’s’ errands. Those efforts look as if they were wasted and fruitless but it’s time I forgive myself for feeling like I messed up. I did nothing wrong by believing the best in people and hoping for the best situation. I got to learn valuable lessons and gain insight from each of these chapters in my life. They all serve as foundation for the life I am building on now.
So even if the destination wasn’t where I had in mind, I still got to enjoy the journey.
We are all human. Forever living in a cycle of adapting, evolving, learning, and surviving when we are faced with new experiences. As a result, we are going to make mistakes, a lot of them, before we find our niche. The best way for me to move forward is to stop blaming myself for the past and be at peace with my here and now. Be grateful for what I have now and recognized that every moment, good and bad, has lead me here. What matters now is what I do to make my future the best I can.
Life is about trial and error.
Living is about making mistakes and failing until we finally do succeed.
There will be plenty of opportunities for me to make things right.
It all starts with letting go and embracing how imperfect life is meant to be.